It's inevitable that when you stick several dozen strangers into a dark room together, there will arise an occasional situation where you will get to imagine your deepest, darkest fantasies about what violent acts you'd like to perform on another human being, and then hate the fact you live in a society that insists on a system of law and order which prevents such fantasies from coming to fruition. At least without an accompanying prison sentence.
Freakin' law and order! Gosh!
Let's break the offenders down into categories and I will let you the readers choose the proper, befitting punishment.
The Loud Talker: Do you ever notice that The Loud Talker is a species of sub-human who only likes to perform its visciously infuriating mating call while behind people who are trying to actually pay attention to the movie? Why is this, exactly? Years of research have yet to bear this answer out, but I'm beginning to think that they and their close relatives, The Loud Joke Crackers, have been left out of the latest clinical trials on drugs for the treatment of advanced Dipshitosis, and that is truly a shame. Perhaps it's because scientists are reluctant to enter the ethical gray areas associated with testing meds on retarded people, but that is only a guess.
The Snorer: I can think of so many other places I'd rather take a nap, especially if I was aware that when I slept I sounded like a rhino choking on a puppy. I could blame this problem more on the makers of boring films, but if you are actually snoozing through Mission Impossible 3- a movie that plays on the nervous system like a three year old on a diet of Jolt and crank, you have a serious problem and you should stop making the rest of us suffer with you.
The Bringer of Children: This is not a generalized complaint. This is dedicated to the assclowns who bring their 5 year olds to a screening of Sin City because it's a "comic book movie." Perhaps they think the R stands for "Romping Good Time." And maybe they think that the kid will feel as happy as daddy does watching Jessica Alba dance that way (and maybe mommy too because let's face it, that was pretty damn hot) and that they are being "cool" parents by not being so uptight about what movies the kids watch. Look, I'm not going to debate the merits, or lack thereof of letting kids watch R rated films. I watched plenty of them with my parents when I was growing up. It's just that my parents let us watch whatever we wanted at HOME because they realized that some people don't feel comfortable watching folks getting their brains blown out while knowing a freaked out or bored second-grader is sitting next to them. This also goes to the parents who took their kids to The Passion of the Christ because somehow the Precious Moments bible stories weren't effective enough in the whole indoctrinating business.
And finally:
Cell Phoners: I must address you directly, because it's that important. I know maybe you're thinking that the endless requests by the movie theater to turn off your cell phones before the movie starts are just about as meaningless as the invitations to visit the concession stand for some $6 popcorn, but please- for the love of all that is good and right in this world (and you know such things are beginning to dissipate faster than our oil supply), STOP pissing on my weekly moviegoing experience by thinking that your phone call is more important to the 10 people sitting near you than what is on the giant screen with the moving picture on it. I don't care how much the movie sucks. Your Sir Mixalot ringtone will never be a better alternative.
Ever.
Thank you for your courtesy. Please enjoy the show.
Showing posts with label Movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movies. Show all posts
Monday, May 22, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Instruments of the Apocalypse Part III: Sequels of Shame
It's Tuesday again. I'm starting to think that Tuesday is a good day to pontificate on the end of the world and the things and people that will eventually bring it about. Henceforth, it is time for another weekly installment of Instruments of the Apocalypse (*cue scary music and screams*). Did you really think that Roundabouts and Laws For Dummies were enough? Congenial Readers, we really haven't even begun to scratch the surface.
Bad Movie Sequels: Myopic Hollywood Executives on Crack and the Films They Greenlight
This topic has been sitting in the inbox of my mind waiting to be expounded upon for most of my life. I suppose that's because every year that passes brings a fresh batch of inspiration. This year in particular has been rather harsh, and by the looks of the commercials and trailers, it doesn't appear to be improving much. So let's just narrow the focus to horrendously egregious movie sequels (read: ways to pound something into the ground until all memory of what it was previously is completely obliterated), rather than mediocre ones (parts 2 and 3 of the Matrix trilogy) or especially rare ones that have managed to either match or better their predecessors (Spiderman 2 or Toy Story 2).
You all know what I'm talking about. If not, let me name a few, and I will just let the titles speak for themselves:
Son of the Mask
Dumb and Dumberer
Big Mamma's House 2
Home Alone 3 and 4
The Whole Ten Yards
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Miss Congeniality 2
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Mind you, I could have gone on for several more minutes there, but my goal is not to nauseate my readers. I bet you are thinking: "So what? How can a handful of awful movies be an Instrument of the Apocalypse?" (*cue scary music and screams*)
Well, it's simple, really.
Whether or not it can be proven that the movies listed above create stupidity in our culture or merely enhance it in those who actually enjoy these films, it is stupidity nonetheless that is being pedalled by the aforementioned Hollywood executives on crack, and in this day and age we do not need more of it, especially the willful sort, because we live in a modern society that protects stupid people instead of letting them extinguish themselves (see Laws for Dummies).
But let's say you are an unwitting victim of one of these movies (i.e. a smart person who is stuck at the house of a friend who is heavily baked, or perhaps on an airplane owned by an airline with a sadistic need to torture its passengers with more than stale snack mix and uncomfortable seats), and you find that a small portion of your soul has been sucked out through your retinas by the mere act of glancing at the screen while one of these films has been playing. And now imagine that there are millions of people just like you (there are). Although it has not been scientifically proven just yet that people can die from experiencing extreme disgust, I have a feeling that in a few more years, it might just become possible.
The combination of furthering the spread of stupidity through genetics and smart people dying from having their souls eaten will bring about such an end-of-days scenario that makes horrible sequels a first-chair Instrument of the Apocalypse (*cue scary music and screams*). Sure, folks like Rob Schneider and Sandra Bullock will continue to have healthy careers, but the cost against humanity is much too high.
I think the only reasonable alternative would be for these actors and executives to be hired by a black-ops sector of the C.I.A. to make their wares to be used as Weapons of Mass Destruction against rogue nations. Sure, sarin gas and A-Bombs do plenty of damage, but you make people watch Batman & Robin, and dying of radiation sickness might just become more preferrable than being exposed to the likes of Ahnold playing Mr. Freeze, and without all of the negative environmental impacts!
Somebody, get me the President!!
UPDATE: Several hours after making this post, I stumbled upon a bit of news that is guaranteed to hurtle us about 50 years closer to the end of civilization as we know it: They are making another Jurassic Park. Start placing the claymores around your bunkers, people. The end cometh.
Bad Movie Sequels: Myopic Hollywood Executives on Crack and the Films They Greenlight
This topic has been sitting in the inbox of my mind waiting to be expounded upon for most of my life. I suppose that's because every year that passes brings a fresh batch of inspiration. This year in particular has been rather harsh, and by the looks of the commercials and trailers, it doesn't appear to be improving much. So let's just narrow the focus to horrendously egregious movie sequels (read: ways to pound something into the ground until all memory of what it was previously is completely obliterated), rather than mediocre ones (parts 2 and 3 of the Matrix trilogy) or especially rare ones that have managed to either match or better their predecessors (Spiderman 2 or Toy Story 2).
You all know what I'm talking about. If not, let me name a few, and I will just let the titles speak for themselves:
Son of the Mask
Dumb and Dumberer
Big Mamma's House 2
Home Alone 3 and 4
The Whole Ten Yards
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Miss Congeniality 2
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Mind you, I could have gone on for several more minutes there, but my goal is not to nauseate my readers. I bet you are thinking: "So what? How can a handful of awful movies be an Instrument of the Apocalypse?" (*cue scary music and screams*)
Well, it's simple, really.
Whether or not it can be proven that the movies listed above create stupidity in our culture or merely enhance it in those who actually enjoy these films, it is stupidity nonetheless that is being pedalled by the aforementioned Hollywood executives on crack, and in this day and age we do not need more of it, especially the willful sort, because we live in a modern society that protects stupid people instead of letting them extinguish themselves (see Laws for Dummies).
But let's say you are an unwitting victim of one of these movies (i.e. a smart person who is stuck at the house of a friend who is heavily baked, or perhaps on an airplane owned by an airline with a sadistic need to torture its passengers with more than stale snack mix and uncomfortable seats), and you find that a small portion of your soul has been sucked out through your retinas by the mere act of glancing at the screen while one of these films has been playing. And now imagine that there are millions of people just like you (there are). Although it has not been scientifically proven just yet that people can die from experiencing extreme disgust, I have a feeling that in a few more years, it might just become possible.
The combination of furthering the spread of stupidity through genetics and smart people dying from having their souls eaten will bring about such an end-of-days scenario that makes horrible sequels a first-chair Instrument of the Apocalypse (*cue scary music and screams*). Sure, folks like Rob Schneider and Sandra Bullock will continue to have healthy careers, but the cost against humanity is much too high.
I think the only reasonable alternative would be for these actors and executives to be hired by a black-ops sector of the C.I.A. to make their wares to be used as Weapons of Mass Destruction against rogue nations. Sure, sarin gas and A-Bombs do plenty of damage, but you make people watch Batman & Robin, and dying of radiation sickness might just become more preferrable than being exposed to the likes of Ahnold playing Mr. Freeze, and without all of the negative environmental impacts!
Somebody, get me the President!!
UPDATE: Several hours after making this post, I stumbled upon a bit of news that is guaranteed to hurtle us about 50 years closer to the end of civilization as we know it: They are making another Jurassic Park. Start placing the claymores around your bunkers, people. The end cometh.
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