Instruments of the Apocalypse: Moviegoers I'd Like to Assassinate With Poisoned Darts Blown Out of My Giant Coke Straw

It's inevitable that when you stick several dozen strangers into a dark room together, there will arise an occasional situation where you will get to imagine your deepest, darkest fantasies about what violent acts you'd like to perform on another human being, and then hate the fact you live in a society that insists on a system of law and order which prevents such fantasies from coming to fruition. At least without an accompanying prison sentence.

Freakin' law and order! Gosh!

Let's break the offenders down into categories and I will let you the readers choose the proper, befitting punishment.

The Loud Talker: Do you ever notice that The Loud Talker is a species of sub-human who only likes to perform its visciously infuriating mating call while behind people who are trying to actually pay attention to the movie? Why is this, exactly? Years of research have yet to bear this answer out, but I'm beginning to think that they and their close relatives, The Loud Joke Crackers, have been left out of the latest clinical trials on drugs for the treatment of advanced Dipshitosis, and that is truly a shame. Perhaps it's because scientists are reluctant to enter the ethical gray areas associated with testing meds on retarded people, but that is only a guess.

The Snorer: I can think of so many other places I'd rather take a nap, especially if I was aware that when I slept I sounded like a rhino choking on a puppy. I could blame this problem more on the makers of boring films, but if you are actually snoozing through Mission Impossible 3- a movie that plays on the nervous system like a three year old on a diet of Jolt and crank, you have a serious problem and you should stop making the rest of us suffer with you.

The Bringer of Children: This is not a generalized complaint. This is dedicated to the assclowns who bring their 5 year olds to a screening of Sin City because it's a "comic book movie." Perhaps they think the R stands for "Romping Good Time." And maybe they think that the kid will feel as happy as daddy does watching Jessica Alba dance that way (and maybe mommy too because let's face it, that was pretty damn hot) and that they are being "cool" parents by not being so uptight about what movies the kids watch. Look, I'm not going to debate the merits, or lack thereof of letting kids watch R rated films. I watched plenty of them with my parents when I was growing up. It's just that my parents let us watch whatever we wanted at HOME because they realized that some people don't feel comfortable watching folks getting their brains blown out while knowing a freaked out or bored second-grader is sitting next to them. This also goes to the parents who took their kids to The Passion of the Christ because somehow the Precious Moments bible stories weren't effective enough in the whole indoctrinating business.

And finally:

Cell Phoners: I must address you directly, because it's that important. I know maybe you're thinking that the endless requests by the movie theater to turn off your cell phones before the movie starts are just about as meaningless as the invitations to visit the concession stand for some $6 popcorn, but please- for the love of all that is good and right in this world (and you know such things are beginning to dissipate faster than our oil supply), STOP pissing on my weekly moviegoing experience by thinking that your phone call is more important to the 10 people sitting near you than what is on the giant screen with the moving picture on it. I don't care how much the movie sucks. Your Sir Mixalot ringtone will never be a better alternative.

Ever.

Thank you for your courtesy. Please enjoy the show.