What Makes Your (future) Car Ugly? Cadillac SRX Edition

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I used to like the Future/Art designs that Cadillac has been pushing for a number of years now, but when they started applying it to rebadged vehicles shared with other divisions, it just looked wrong. Case in point? Any Cadillac Escalade you see can't possibly lose the air of Tahoe/Yukon/Suburban/Avalanchiness that makes them so ermmm... common. Granted, these vehicles take a lot of work to disguise, but that doesn't mean Cadillac doesn't lose copious amounts of respect for poorly done makeovers. Today's target is a vehicle coming to a Cadillac showroom soon (if GM lasts that long), instead of a vehicle that has been out for a while.



The 2010 Cadillac SRX truly embodies desperation and lack of monetary resources (which kinda reminds me of the K-car), which I can't really blame the designers for (I'm thinking management here) , but have no problem disliking nonetheless. It is singularly unoriginal in every way and has no piece it can call its own.

The original SRX (which was completely original for the US market, by the way) may look somewhat pedestrian by the current standards, but has character and individualilty wholly missing from the new model. Let's examine the sources from which the newfound ugly has been derived, shall we?

Like all the other vehicles in the Cadillac stable, the new SRX has the standard design elements that make them destinctive from GM's other brands. Unfortunately they put the Stink in distinctive this time, because they decided to borrow the same platform used for the Saturn Vue and new Chevy Equinox. While I'm not impressed with the Vue, I think the new Equinox got a change for the better, sharing more visuals with the new Traverse and Malibu than the Trailblazer it used to mirror. At least something good came out of this for the Equinox!

Just like the Equinox, the SRX features strong familial resemblances to other Cadillacs. In this case the Escaladian features are hard not to see, which only shows what a bad match this bulbous platform is for the hard edges and sharp creases featured across the Cadillac lineup.

One last item to address here is the front fender vents prominently featured on the new SRX. Where else have I seen those awesome wheel-arch decorations? Oh yes!! It was something from Ford... The Focus!!!

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What Makes Your Car Ugly? Pontiac Aztek Edition

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This particular post has taken a lot of thought on my part, because I wanted to do more than just say "Hey, this car is ugly." I now live on the same block as an Aztek so I am given to dwell upon its status as an icon in the automotive industry more often than I'm comfortable with. I believe I can now say I have found the donors which have lent their genealogical makeup to this vehicle, and I can tell you that none of it is pretty.


To begin with, The Aztek was a crossover. In this case that means it isn't quite a minivan. Although it can be painful to look at, the hood line is generally longer, and they scraped off some of the back to "sportify" the rear and keep the "wagon" label from attaching too firmly (this way it rather slides off). On the plus side (some may prefer using the word size instead of side), this vehicle offers a similarly commanding view of the road which has made SUVs so popular in the U.S.A. In my opinion, the Aztek begat the beginning of the end for Pontiac's styling trend taken up in the nineties, whereby they thought that they could make anything look good by adding lower body-side cladding. It worked for many of Pontiac's models, but could not help the Aztek.

The Aztek was supposed to carry on Pontiac's "outdoorsy theme" inspired by the Trans Sport Montana, which was also not very well inspired. The original Trans Sport would have been a revolution in family transportation, which I think was the only reason that Pontiac used the same name for their minivan, as it bore no other resemblance to the concept. Too bad for that. We really lost out folks, but that's nothing new where corporations are concerned.

Back to the topic at hand. Where did the Aztek really come from then? They started with the idea of appealing to folks who really needed a minivan, but couldn't own up to it. But how could they characterize these folks? What features could they add to an existing vehicle to tap a new demographic? It would need to embody independence, flexibility, and use design principles perfected in the previous 20 years. What other cars could they draw from for these elements?

You really didn't need to read this far.

Really. You will be sorry if you go any further.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


The Chevette/T1000 family of cars had been sitting idle for a few pleasant years, and were chomping at the bit to be loosed upon the world once again, so Pontiac made it taller, wider, and updated the interior to match the best in modern adventure vehicles, but kept the same basic shape. There had been previous exeriments with turning standard Chevettes into exciting vehicles, but they were usually panned due to poor placement of bottle openers under the hood.

So we have the basic outline of the vehicle, but what could Pontiac do to keep the masses from exclaiming that they had just seen the Chevette reborn? They had to find a way to disguise it so that nobody would realize what it really was. Unfortunately they drew inspiration from a shining example of movie-making: National Lampoon's Vacation. I'm sure we'll never know the true reasons for doing this, but I'm certainly looking forward to the next car they try to sell with the same styling cues as the Griswold's wagon.

Wait. I think somebody already did. Does this look familiar? I think it might. If you look closely you can see the redundant set of tail lights that accent a very similar rear facia featured on the Lincoln Navigator. How odd!!

Now that we have exposed the Aztek's questionable lineage, I will tell you what was good about it. It could double as a tent! How many cars can do that? There was a boy racer version planned as an Anniversary Edition (a la Fiero), but it didn't convey enough of the Chevette's natural charisma, so it was left in the round file.

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I Piss On Your Flag!

I was eating lunch yesterday in one of those chain restaurant establishments after which "Chotchskies" in Office Space was modeled, and among the deluge of knick-knacks and other "pieces of flair" bedecking the staff and the walls around me was a giant American flag. I found myself initially noting its garish size, but then admitted that I really do appreciate the aesthetic nature of our stars and stripes. It's bold, edging on boisterous, and its symbolism is pretty self-evident without being too on-the-nose. It could also never be confused with the flag of another country, like a lot of those "three color blocks and nothing else" flags. Yes, I'm talking about you Mexico, Russia, and France! This is not a patriotic statement in the slightest. Viewed simply as a piece of cloth, Old Glory is attractive.

I then began to ponder the flags of other nations, and I realized that while some of them were also notable in the aesthetic sense, others were just downright silly. I'm not insulting your nation by insulting your flag, but come on; if a flag is supposed to encapsulate the greatness of your country via fabric, then I think it's pretty easy to say that Canada blows. A maple leaf? Boring! Leaves are not only exceedingly bland, but they make your lawn all messy in the fall. They're also weak. A baby can tear one in half, for crying out loud! Look, I have a lot of Canadian friends. They are good folks, but their flag is ridiculous. Sorry Canada. Fail.


Japan's flag is equally mundane. A red dot on a white field. Oh the unsavory things this symbolizes for me. Namely waking up in the morning to find you've had a bloody nose on a pristine pillow case, or that Charlie's come blazing out of the bush and you need to bring in the reinforcements (if ya know what I mean, ladies). Look, I know Japan is all minimalist and Zen-like, but their flag inspires me to do nothing more than stock up on Kotex.


You want a much better suggestion for the Japanese flag? Look no further than the Karate Kid. That's right. Cobra Kai, bitches. Strike First. Strike Hard. No Mercy.

Then we have copy-cat countries. The ones who decided to look at the guys next door and go: "Well, what's good enough for you is good enough for us. We'll just change the colors around a little bit and no one will notice. Chief offenders: Sweden and Denmark. Granted, both countries are homes to things I love. Ikea and delicious breakfast pastries, respectively. But this is no excuse to have flags that look like poorly-wrapped gifts. If I received a present wrapped in the style of a Swedish or Danish flag, I'd set it on fire. That's right, kids. Besides, everybody does giftbags now.


Oh, but the atrocities don't stop there. In fact, there is a whole world out there to cover. If only I had the time to pick on them all. But don't worry, I've saved the worst for last.

Poland. Please, do your countrymen a favor and try to do your part in eliminating the ancient stereotype that your citizens are retards, once and for all. Changing your flag would be a good start.

Northern Marianas has a flag that could only be described as infinitely tacky. I could sit here and stare at it for hours and still not figure out what it's trying to tell me about that particular nation. What is that stone thing behind that giant star? Why the bridal garland ripped off from the local Renaissance Festival? Listen, I'm sure all of this gaudiness is significant to the people of Northern Marianas in some way, but to the casual observer, it looks like something stitched together during arts and crafts hour at a nursing home. Oh, and in case you think I'm getting too cocky, remember that Northern Marianas is an American territory. Marianas needs to do a better job of representing. Just sayin...


Technically, the following flag is not for a specific country. It is for an organization of countries. This is the flag for OPEC. Nevermind that it makes the work of Salvadore Dali and Picasso look completely logical, and that it makes the wrinkled ass of John McCain look nearly appetizing. To me, it looks like four heads, one of which is being eaten alive while the other is running away screaming. I guess is kind of appropriate, though to be more accurate, the bite should be coming out of the ass. OPEC's flag would be cool if it featured Chuck Norris engaged in a sword fight with Charlton Heston, but still it wouldn't even matter. This flag fails just for the fact that OPEC was partially to blame for making me pay nearly $70 to fill up my gas tank. Screw you, OPEC.


The worst offender on this list is miles ahead of all the rest when it comes to making the visual senses nearly vomit. I don't even know where to begin, but Brazil has really done their nation a disservice with this doozy of a flag. The color scheme is putrid. The layout is awkward. What's with all of those stupid stars? And the words across the middle? Very bad form. This fail is bigger than the biggest shaking ass at Carnival.

I'd hate to sound biased. After all, the only flag in this entire blog I've praised so far is the American flag, and some of you might think this is incredibly unfair. But in my research, I found a flag that trumps any other. I don't even need to see the other flags to know this. And why? Because this is the kind of flag that everyone wishes they had. Especially someone like me. Libya, you may be full of insane people and are on my personal Top 5 List of countries in which I fear being stuck. But no matter. Your flag is fucking genius. Oh yes, some might call it a tad plain. Perhaps uninspired. Empty, Spartan, or downright depressing, even. But no... your solid green field with absolutely nothing on it is the pinnacle of flaggy awesomeness. It means I can make your flag say anything I want it to say. It's so ironic, really, from a country not particularly heralded as a bastion of freedom, that your flag allows me to have so much of it! Here's my tip of the hat to you, Libya! Hope you like the falafel.

What Makes Your Car Ugly? Dodge Caliber Edition

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Chrysler's Dodge brand has managed to build quite a styling empire for itself. On the topic of Value, they go head to head with GM's Chevrolet and... er, Ford. When Styling becomes the deal maker, they seem to have lifted themselves to the level of Pontiac from about 4 or more years ago. I'm not saying I don't like the particular vein they have followed in general, but they have largely adapted a boy-racer look to almost every passenger vehicle they sell, which I have found myself rather tired of when seen strapped onto anything less assuming than a Viper, Charger R/T, or Ram Truck.

I won't deny that it has certainly been successful in terms of brand recognition, and what better passive safety feature is there than to have a handy verb spring to mind for any pedestrian facing down a large metal contraption with a over sized set of cross hairs approaching them at high speed? Wouldn't you want to dodge as well? I've been run over (or under, as it were) by a car, and I would have done much better to have received the subliminal advice offered by a Dodge than any given by a Ford Escort.

Back to the topic at hand: The lovely and soft-spoken design of the Dodge Caliber. I'm going to change over to some Firearm and Artillery lingo to help describe it as well. I hope you don't mind.

The Caliber has a face only it's mother fellow Dodge brethren could love. It is by far the most aggressive looking car in it's class, which also defies definition. Can you believe this car replaced the Neon? It seems to be about twice the size. When staring down the gaping grill in front, you can almost pick out the lands and grooves. It is hard to blame Dodge specifically for this though, as Dodge hasn't had much choice. Chrysler has forced its divisions to use the same barrel across a multitude of firing platforms, seeming to change the length to fit everything from derringer to hunting rifle. It is shared with no less than 6 different models, although one might argue the merits of calling the Jeep Compass and Patriot separate models. The other vehicles occupy the mid-size sedan and (believe it or not) full-size crossover-utility segments.

At least we now have word from Chrysler that relief is on the way. If you want a small Dodge in the near future, you may be able to pick up one built by Nissan or Cherry. I don't know if that means the Caliber will stay in the breach to continue firing for future model years alongside the new outsourced compact car(s), or if this signals a retreat for this model. My opinion is that the bore length of this "small" vehicle exceeds that of the larger stablemates (and it isn't very exciting, either).

I'll leave you with what I think is one of the best shots of the Dodge Caliber, so that the wounding sight of it isn't so painful.

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What Makes Your Car Ugly?

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Editors note: This is the first of many explicitly editorial pieces dedicated to those vehicles that rub me the wrong way. Later on, I may have another series called What Makes Your Car Not-So Ugly to round it out, but not on this blog.

Welcome to the first installment of What Makes Your Car Ugly! You may wonder how one like myself may be justified in asking (and answering) such a bold question, but be assured that I am as well qualified as anyone that might make uneducated and horribly uninformed opinions of somebody else's stuff. I have no business doing it, really. But I like to have fun with it anyway.

Today's topic: The Toyota Yaris.

I don't know if you have had the pleasure to enjoy their incredibly cute little commercials, but the advertising wizards were able to give this car so much "personality" that you forget how ugly the cars are. The hatchback reminds me of an overstuffed bubble about to pop, and the sedan is a stretched version of the same. In some of the advertisements, they actually do pop, as a form of asexual reproductive function.

In giving credit where it is due, I absolutely love the commercial where the lonely Yaris is pondering little MP3 players buzzing about. That one Rocks!

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3 Car Fads of Shame...

A car is often someone's platform of self-expression, and people will spend thousands of dollars customizing their vehicles to set them apart from the other motorists out there. Sometimes, you come across real works of art, usually indicative of someone who put thoughtful consideration not only into the modifications, but whether or not they suited the vehicle. Often times though, customization ends up being outright automobile abuse, and if the car had the ability to speak, it would be screaming like Pat Robertson in a gay bar. Right now I'm just going to single out a few aesthetic offenses, and I'll let you all try to come up with some more. Lord knows, there is no shortage of them out there.

Like Pamela Anderson, there's something a little fake up top...

1. The Fake Convertible Top: Face it folks, you're not fooling anybody. Having a car with a roof that looks like it might come down is not making you look as cool as someone who has a car with a roof that actually does. In fact, it's making you look like a downright nimrod, but I am not just going to attack the driver on this one. Perhaps he/she bought the car used and they had no choice but to accept the blunder. Fair enough. How about the guy who actually said: "Hey, it would be too much work to make an actual convertible, but we can getcha halfway there!" Yeah, halfway to Dumbville.

Are you faux wheel?

2. Wheel Woes: In most cases, outfitting your car with a new set of rims isn't terribly cheap, particularly when you have the desire to get all fancy. A lot of people can't afford to plop down a few grand on the set they really want, but rather than be content with the factory standard while saving the dough, there are some folks who are willing to commit the equivalent of basting a poop kabob with a urine marinade and that is: Plastic Wheel Covers. Oh the humanity. Getting caught with these bad boys is like your girlfriend finding a sock in your shorts. Is there really a factory wheel that is ugly enough to require the attachment of these fancy frisbees? My advice? Wait it out for the real thing, people.

Hey, won't you just go? Away?

3. Pissed to Death: How many damn things can Calvin pee on? Seriously. When I see one of those decals, I don't care what the kid is pissing on, I just want to grab my sharpest key and scrape away. Or at least find a decal of Calvin just peeing so I can place it above the OTHER peeing Calivn. Now that would do the trick!