It's Tuesday again. I'm starting to think that Tuesday is a good day to pontificate on the end of the world and the things and people that will eventually bring it about. Henceforth, it is time for another weekly installment of Instruments of the Apocalypse (*cue scary music and screams*). Did you really think that Roundabouts and Laws For Dummies were enough? Congenial Readers, we really haven't even begun to scratch the surface.
Bad Movie Sequels: Myopic Hollywood Executives on Crack and the Films They Greenlight
This topic has been sitting in the inbox of my mind waiting to be expounded upon for most of my life. I suppose that's because every year that passes brings a fresh batch of inspiration. This year in particular has been rather harsh, and by the looks of the commercials and trailers, it doesn't appear to be improving much. So let's just narrow the focus to horrendously egregious movie sequels (read: ways to pound something into the ground until all memory of what it was previously is completely obliterated), rather than mediocre ones (parts 2 and 3 of the Matrix trilogy) or especially rare ones that have managed to either match or better their predecessors (Spiderman 2 or Toy Story 2).
You all know what I'm talking about. If not, let me name a few, and I will just let the titles speak for themselves:
Son of the Mask
Dumb and Dumberer
Big Mamma's House 2
Home Alone 3 and 4
The Whole Ten Yards
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Miss Congeniality 2
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Mind you, I could have gone on for several more minutes there, but my goal is not to nauseate my readers. I bet you are thinking: "So what? How can a handful of awful movies be an Instrument of the Apocalypse?" (*cue scary music and screams*)
Well, it's simple, really.
Whether or not it can be proven that the movies listed above create stupidity in our culture or merely enhance it in those who actually enjoy these films, it is stupidity nonetheless that is being pedalled by the aforementioned Hollywood executives on crack, and in this day and age we do not need more of it, especially the willful sort, because we live in a modern society that protects stupid people instead of letting them extinguish themselves (see Laws for Dummies).
But let's say you are an unwitting victim of one of these movies (i.e. a smart person who is stuck at the house of a friend who is heavily baked, or perhaps on an airplane owned by an airline with a sadistic need to torture its passengers with more than stale snack mix and uncomfortable seats), and you find that a small portion of your soul has been sucked out through your retinas by the mere act of glancing at the screen while one of these films has been playing. And now imagine that there are millions of people just like you (there are). Although it has not been scientifically proven just yet that people can die from experiencing extreme disgust, I have a feeling that in a few more years, it might just become possible.
The combination of furthering the spread of stupidity through genetics and smart people dying from having their souls eaten will bring about such an end-of-days scenario that makes horrible sequels a first-chair Instrument of the Apocalypse (*cue scary music and screams*). Sure, folks like Rob Schneider and Sandra Bullock will continue to have healthy careers, but the cost against humanity is much too high.
I think the only reasonable alternative would be for these actors and executives to be hired by a black-ops sector of the C.I.A. to make their wares to be used as Weapons of Mass Destruction against rogue nations. Sure, sarin gas and A-Bombs do plenty of damage, but you make people watch Batman & Robin, and dying of radiation sickness might just become more preferrable than being exposed to the likes of Ahnold playing Mr. Freeze, and without all of the negative environmental impacts!
Somebody, get me the President!!
UPDATE: Several hours after making this post, I stumbled upon a bit of news that is guaranteed to hurtle us about 50 years closer to the end of civilization as we know it: They are making another Jurassic Park. Start placing the claymores around your bunkers, people. The end cometh.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Instruments of the Apocalypse: Laws for Dummies
Yep, it's that time again. The time when I feel the need to stack up some double-reinforced soap boxes (so I don't fall through them, ya know), and tell y'all how I think it is and I think it should be. I have found another Instrument of the Apocalypse, and I fear, Congenial Readers, that this one is much more dire than the Circles of Death I tore to shreds the other day. I'm out to be controversial, damn it. Shout hoorahs if you want. But keep the boos to yourself. Like our Great Fearless Leader, I only like to surround myself with people who agree with me and who will blow at least 10,000 watts of pure sunshine up my nether-region. I'm sure you all understand. ;)
Now, on with it!
Laws for Dummies: Forcing Natural Selection's Hand
I not only believe the government should stay the hell out of people's private lives, but that they should also stop trying to interfere in the very important process of Natural Selection. Which brings me to my point:
Helmet laws, seatbelt laws, prostitution laws, and to a certain extent- drug laws. These are laws that are mostly designed to keep people from hurting and/or killing themselves. If I decided to be stupid enough to hop on a motorcycle without putting on a helmet, then I would really be the only one to suffer the consequences. Sure, you could argue that it would cost ALL of us money in terms of medical costs, etc, but to me that is truly irrelevant, because even with a helmet on, a person who suffered injuries in an accident would still incur some expense.
So let's put it this way: Natural Selection is a very important process that involves the "survival of the fittest". It insures that the strongest genes continue on to further the existence of our species. Any idiot can follow the law, because any idiot can understand that there are consequences to breaking one, such as getting a ticket or going to jail. But you take these laws away, and all of the morons on the block will come out to play. They will leave their seatbelts off. They will leave their helmets in the garage. They will try to snort pure heroine bought from the local pharmacy and die of an overdose. And perhaps most importantly, they will help to make sure that only the strongest genes survive. Genes that are stronger because some folks realize that there is such a thing as common sense that isn't mitigated by legality. Sure, there are a few mavericks out there who break the above laws anyway and pay the price. These people should be honored for their sacrifice made for the better of the human race. They are, in fact, heros.
With law upon law being pushed through in an effort to shield people from the impact of their own stupidity, in a few millenia we will be living on a planet filled with folks who worship Larry the Cable Guy, think Chicken of the Sea is actually chicken, and our national slogan will be "Git 'er Done!!" Actually, given the mental midgets currently running our country, we're not too far from that, but if it continues, it will be the end of the world as we know it. Do you really want that?
I didn't think so.
While it's important to give people the freedom to be smart, it is even more important to give people the freedom to be stupid. For the love of humanity!
Now, on with it!
Laws for Dummies: Forcing Natural Selection's Hand
I not only believe the government should stay the hell out of people's private lives, but that they should also stop trying to interfere in the very important process of Natural Selection. Which brings me to my point:
Helmet laws, seatbelt laws, prostitution laws, and to a certain extent- drug laws. These are laws that are mostly designed to keep people from hurting and/or killing themselves. If I decided to be stupid enough to hop on a motorcycle without putting on a helmet, then I would really be the only one to suffer the consequences. Sure, you could argue that it would cost ALL of us money in terms of medical costs, etc, but to me that is truly irrelevant, because even with a helmet on, a person who suffered injuries in an accident would still incur some expense.
So let's put it this way: Natural Selection is a very important process that involves the "survival of the fittest". It insures that the strongest genes continue on to further the existence of our species. Any idiot can follow the law, because any idiot can understand that there are consequences to breaking one, such as getting a ticket or going to jail. But you take these laws away, and all of the morons on the block will come out to play. They will leave their seatbelts off. They will leave their helmets in the garage. They will try to snort pure heroine bought from the local pharmacy and die of an overdose. And perhaps most importantly, they will help to make sure that only the strongest genes survive. Genes that are stronger because some folks realize that there is such a thing as common sense that isn't mitigated by legality. Sure, there are a few mavericks out there who break the above laws anyway and pay the price. These people should be honored for their sacrifice made for the better of the human race. They are, in fact, heros.
With law upon law being pushed through in an effort to shield people from the impact of their own stupidity, in a few millenia we will be living on a planet filled with folks who worship Larry the Cable Guy, think Chicken of the Sea is actually chicken, and our national slogan will be "Git 'er Done!!" Actually, given the mental midgets currently running our country, we're not too far from that, but if it continues, it will be the end of the world as we know it. Do you really want that?
I didn't think so.
While it's important to give people the freedom to be smart, it is even more important to give people the freedom to be stupid. For the love of humanity!
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Instruments of the Apocalypse: Roundabouts
Roundabouts: Circles More Deadly Than Krispy Kreme (not to mention less delicious).
It goes without saying how I feel about these rings of death, lethal cousins to the equally infuriating 4-Way Stop, that have popped up among the quaint Olympia/Lacey metropolis over the last couple of years, but if there is one thing that might make them more bearable, it would be the implementing of "Idiot Detour" signs at some point before the approach to the roundabout begins to send them off on their merry, perpendicular ways. This would at least spare those of us with brains in our skulls from being subjected to assclowns who:
1. Think a solid line in a road changes its meaning once it's no longer going straight, and therefore:
2. Think it's perfectly reasonable to cut right over on you to exit the circle simply because they were too stupid to enter the circle in the correct fucking lane, and therefore:
3. Cause people to stop in the circle, creating the potential for rear-endings and multiple visits to chiropractors, and therefore:
4. Deserve to have their cars riddled with buckshot for every stupid offense involving said circle of death.
While 4-Way Stops are more time consuming and almost as annoying, they at least allow people to have a little more pause and reaction time rather than just have them hop into a revolving idiot trap. And if that fails there are always traffic lights. And if those fail, manufacturers could work on developing remote, electro-shock devices to be installed into our cars that woud allow us to buzz the living shit out of the offenders from the above list. Perhaps it would cause more car accidents, but fuck it would be fun!!
It goes without saying how I feel about these rings of death, lethal cousins to the equally infuriating 4-Way Stop, that have popped up among the quaint Olympia/Lacey metropolis over the last couple of years, but if there is one thing that might make them more bearable, it would be the implementing of "Idiot Detour" signs at some point before the approach to the roundabout begins to send them off on their merry, perpendicular ways. This would at least spare those of us with brains in our skulls from being subjected to assclowns who:
1. Think a solid line in a road changes its meaning once it's no longer going straight, and therefore:
2. Think it's perfectly reasonable to cut right over on you to exit the circle simply because they were too stupid to enter the circle in the correct fucking lane, and therefore:
3. Cause people to stop in the circle, creating the potential for rear-endings and multiple visits to chiropractors, and therefore:
4. Deserve to have their cars riddled with buckshot for every stupid offense involving said circle of death.
While 4-Way Stops are more time consuming and almost as annoying, they at least allow people to have a little more pause and reaction time rather than just have them hop into a revolving idiot trap. And if that fails there are always traffic lights. And if those fail, manufacturers could work on developing remote, electro-shock devices to be installed into our cars that woud allow us to buzz the living shit out of the offenders from the above list. Perhaps it would cause more car accidents, but fuck it would be fun!!
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