Paging Doctor God!

Dear God,

I'm sure you're pretty busy playing craps with the universe and all, but I need to ask for your attention on a very important matter. See, there are some people on our humble little planet under the impression that you hold a medical degree. Now, I know you're all-powerful and stuff. After all, you created the planet a few thousand years ago, and there is some evidence you have a bit of a brutal temper, but nowhere on your credentials did I see you attended a reputable medical school. Granted, your son had some healing experience, but he seemed to deal mainly with lepers and resurrecting the dead, so he's a little limited.

Knowing this, why is it there are so many human beings allowing their children to die of curable illnesses under the belief that you and only you can heal them? I read of a Wisconson family who let their eleven year old daughter die of diabetes because they had faith that God running through her veins would serve as sufficient insulin. Not too long before that, a 15 month old girl died from a common bronchial infection because her parents were more comfortable setting up camp in the Lord's waiting room rather than one here on the earthly plane.

Now, I could be mistaken. Maybe you do have a medical agree, but I don't recall reading the part of the Bible that said it was your job to heal every sick person on the planet. Silly me, but seeing as how millions of people die every day, I just figured family practice wasn't high on your list of priorities and that to get by this problem, you made a few of the human beings on this planet smart enough so they could treat the sick.

The only thing I really notice is that the world is chock full of ignorant, arrogant assholes who think that they are special enough to receive the Lord's special healing tonic before the glut of otherwise decent folks who wither away from stupid diseases on a daily basis. Don't they realize that with 6 billion people on this planet, you're kinda busy? But what makes this most egregious is that these freaks aren't even acting on their own behalves. It would be easy enough to shrug off such fanaticism if they were using their own lives as the chips, but they're allowing their children to die for their dogma, and this is appalling.

I read a few stories about your intolerance for bullshit. Does Sodom and Gomorrah ring a bell? You also flooded the whole planet to wash away the idiots, for the love of You! Isn't there something you can do about these negligent, child-killing assholes? I mean, I know you haven't really done a whole lot about the other evil bastards plaguing this planet. Dick Cheney is a prime example. But there has to be something you can do here. These people are not only too stupid to live, but they're totally wrecking your reputation!

I know you've probably chilled out from the days of antiquity, but I think you've got some good old fire and brimstone left in you, and it's been a long time since you've done a major clean-up operation around here. These people seem like a great place to start.

Blasphemously Yours,
Allie

What Makes Your Car Ugly? Dodge Caliber Edition

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Chrysler's Dodge brand has managed to build quite a styling empire for itself. On the topic of Value, they go head to head with GM's Chevrolet and... er, Ford. When Styling becomes the deal maker, they seem to have lifted themselves to the level of Pontiac from about 4 or more years ago. I'm not saying I don't like the particular vein they have followed in general, but they have largely adapted a boy-racer look to almost every passenger vehicle they sell, which I have found myself rather tired of when seen strapped onto anything less assuming than a Viper, Charger R/T, or Ram Truck.

I won't deny that it has certainly been successful in terms of brand recognition, and what better passive safety feature is there than to have a handy verb spring to mind for any pedestrian facing down a large metal contraption with a over sized set of cross hairs approaching them at high speed? Wouldn't you want to dodge as well? I've been run over (or under, as it were) by a car, and I would have done much better to have received the subliminal advice offered by a Dodge than any given by a Ford Escort.

Back to the topic at hand: The lovely and soft-spoken design of the Dodge Caliber. I'm going to change over to some Firearm and Artillery lingo to help describe it as well. I hope you don't mind.

The Caliber has a face only it's mother fellow Dodge brethren could love. It is by far the most aggressive looking car in it's class, which also defies definition. Can you believe this car replaced the Neon? It seems to be about twice the size. When staring down the gaping grill in front, you can almost pick out the lands and grooves. It is hard to blame Dodge specifically for this though, as Dodge hasn't had much choice. Chrysler has forced its divisions to use the same barrel across a multitude of firing platforms, seeming to change the length to fit everything from derringer to hunting rifle. It is shared with no less than 6 different models, although one might argue the merits of calling the Jeep Compass and Patriot separate models. The other vehicles occupy the mid-size sedan and (believe it or not) full-size crossover-utility segments.

At least we now have word from Chrysler that relief is on the way. If you want a small Dodge in the near future, you may be able to pick up one built by Nissan or Cherry. I don't know if that means the Caliber will stay in the breach to continue firing for future model years alongside the new outsourced compact car(s), or if this signals a retreat for this model. My opinion is that the bore length of this "small" vehicle exceeds that of the larger stablemates (and it isn't very exciting, either).

I'll leave you with what I think is one of the best shots of the Dodge Caliber, so that the wounding sight of it isn't so painful.

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What Makes Your Car Ugly?

Featured Selection from Autogotistical Carpinions

Editors note: This is the first of many explicitly editorial pieces dedicated to those vehicles that rub me the wrong way. Later on, I may have another series called What Makes Your Car Not-So Ugly to round it out, but not on this blog.

Welcome to the first installment of What Makes Your Car Ugly! You may wonder how one like myself may be justified in asking (and answering) such a bold question, but be assured that I am as well qualified as anyone that might make uneducated and horribly uninformed opinions of somebody else's stuff. I have no business doing it, really. But I like to have fun with it anyway.

Today's topic: The Toyota Yaris.

I don't know if you have had the pleasure to enjoy their incredibly cute little commercials, but the advertising wizards were able to give this car so much "personality" that you forget how ugly the cars are. The hatchback reminds me of an overstuffed bubble about to pop, and the sedan is a stretched version of the same. In some of the advertisements, they actually do pop, as a form of asexual reproductive function.

In giving credit where it is due, I absolutely love the commercial where the lonely Yaris is pondering little MP3 players buzzing about. That one Rocks!

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