Melons of the Apocalypse That Aren't On Pam Anderson's Chest

It's like the little fucker is grinning at me...

Awhile ago I talked about how olives were Satan's dingleberries, and I seemed to get an equal amount of validation and disagreement on that to help me realize that I am not, in fact, crazy.

Now I need your concensus on another food item that rankles my gastronomic sensibilities to the very core:

Melons.

Namely, cantaloupe and honeydew. Watermelon is just on the brink of being acceptable, but I have to be in the mood for it. It has a fibrous texture that has a tendency to bother me on occasion, but on a hot summer day, its abundant, mildly sweet juiciness is a godsend.

Honeydew is a step below watermelon but only moderately so. I recently made a fruit salad that had honeydew, blueberries, and mango all tossed in a lime-ginger reduction that was fantastic. The dressing had a way of masking what I have come to view as a "garbage" flavor emanating from these dastardly orbs.

This brings me, however, to the ultimate offender. The Hannibal Lecter of fruits, otherwise known as... Cantaloupe.

Oh killer of joyous sustenance consumption!

Oh vile, malicious melon of mirthful malevolence!

You reek of rot, and taste like taint! Be gone from my presence, oh orange-hued perniciousness, and leave only in your wake a withering rind to remind the world that there is such a thing as elemental evil, for that is your only value!

Perhaps when I've restored my smiting power after this little rant, I will go after the citrusy Damien to the melony Satan: Grapefruit. Until then, I only have this left to say to the melons of the world:

You're dead to me.

3 Car Fads of Shame...

A car is often someone's platform of self-expression, and people will spend thousands of dollars customizing their vehicles to set them apart from the other motorists out there. Sometimes, you come across real works of art, usually indicative of someone who put thoughtful consideration not only into the modifications, but whether or not they suited the vehicle. Often times though, customization ends up being outright automobile abuse, and if the car had the ability to speak, it would be screaming like Pat Robertson in a gay bar. Right now I'm just going to single out a few aesthetic offenses, and I'll let you all try to come up with some more. Lord knows, there is no shortage of them out there.

Like Pamela Anderson, there's something a little fake up top...

1. The Fake Convertible Top: Face it folks, you're not fooling anybody. Having a car with a roof that looks like it might come down is not making you look as cool as someone who has a car with a roof that actually does. In fact, it's making you look like a downright nimrod, but I am not just going to attack the driver on this one. Perhaps he/she bought the car used and they had no choice but to accept the blunder. Fair enough. How about the guy who actually said: "Hey, it would be too much work to make an actual convertible, but we can getcha halfway there!" Yeah, halfway to Dumbville.

Are you faux wheel?

2. Wheel Woes: In most cases, outfitting your car with a new set of rims isn't terribly cheap, particularly when you have the desire to get all fancy. A lot of people can't afford to plop down a few grand on the set they really want, but rather than be content with the factory standard while saving the dough, there are some folks who are willing to commit the equivalent of basting a poop kabob with a urine marinade and that is: Plastic Wheel Covers. Oh the humanity. Getting caught with these bad boys is like your girlfriend finding a sock in your shorts. Is there really a factory wheel that is ugly enough to require the attachment of these fancy frisbees? My advice? Wait it out for the real thing, people.

Hey, won't you just go? Away?

3. Pissed to Death: How many damn things can Calvin pee on? Seriously. When I see one of those decals, I don't care what the kid is pissing on, I just want to grab my sharpest key and scrape away. Or at least find a decal of Calvin just peeing so I can place it above the OTHER peeing Calivn. Now that would do the trick!