It's a given that most rich, famous people have ids that make my three-year-old appear patriarchal by comparison. Of course if I had enough money to buy God, I'd probably think I should be a character in the Bible too. But that's all beside the point.
Living life by the pleasure principle might make for a fun night out on the town, but these short-sighted people are failing to recognize that they are spawning a generation of children who are going to grow up having their asses beaten senseless by the offspring of people who live in the bubble of reality.
It's not that it's bad to have a name that is unusual, if not distinguished. There are certainly a ton of Allisons in the world, so it can be refreshing to hear something different from time to time, but it takes a real ego trip into the stratosphere for someone (like Sylvester Stallone) to name their kid Sage Moonblood. I actually like the name Sage. But Moonblood? Why do I envison some kid with pointy teeth drinking thirstily from someone's carotid? Okay, so that one is relatively mild. How about Rob Morrow naming his daughter Tu? Tu Morrow.
Cute. Thankfully she's a girl with the option to take her husband's name, if she so chooses.
Then... there is Gwyneth Paltrow. Already naming her first child Apple (imagine in high school all the guys who are going to be talking about getting a piece of "Apple Pie"), her newest addition has been blessed with the moniker Moses Martin, making her a two-time offender for wishing repeated lunch money theft upon her children.
But let's get down to the weirdest of the weird:
Jason Lee (who is now claiming his name is Earl) begot Pilot Inspektor. Penn Gillette of the comedy duo Penn and Teller named his daughter Moxie Crimefighter, because apparently he thinks his daughter isn't an actual person who will have to grow up with that name, but the object of some inky comic book fantasy.
But who knows- maybe some of these kids will grow up embracing their unusual labels. Already the offspring of people who are outside the mainstream, they might use it as a way to further distinguish themselves as a separate entity from their parents. But I'm also being optimistic. Parents who are hellbent on branding their children with the hot irons of their own selfish desires through naming choices and other rituals best not mentioned here are essentially playing dice with the feelings of actual people. It's a way of thinking that is more myopic than my 75-year old grandmother. I mean, come on- Audio Science? Yes, that is a real name.
Save the funny name for your dog and cat. Speck Wildhorse would be a great name for a Chihuahua.
Not John Mellencamp's son.
Let's not forget Nicolas Cage naming his kid Kal-El. He may as well have handed him a rock of kryptonite.
ReplyDeleteOne celebrity who seemed to get away with it was Frank Zappa, who dubbed his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit, among others, as I recall. At least with Frank, we expected him to be weird!
One of the best commentaries I heard on this was from an old Doonesbury strip where Cher was being interviwed:
Interviewer: So how come you named you r kid "Chastity?"
Well, you know, like Grace Slick called her kid "Free" and then Abbie Hoffman called his kid "America."
Interviewer: I see. All the good names were taken.
Cher: Right.
Speaking of naming one's son Moses...My son has a friend whose name is Moses, however that is his last name....His first name you ask...? King !!!!! Talk about getting a short cut to heaven...
ReplyDeleteI whole-heartedly agree, but must point out that this particular instument has been threatening us for many years (it's right up there with bears). I'd like to challenge anyone to find prolific evidence of its music which predate the birth of Frank Zappa's children.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
Yuukin C. MacPaintedsox
I whole-heartedly agree, but must point out that this particular instument has been threatening us for many years (it's right up there with bears). I'd like to challenge anyone to find prolific evidence of its music which predate the birth of Frank Zappa's children.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
Yuukin C. MacPaintedsox
Wow. Crimefighter and Inspektor? For some reason those do seem particularly weird - at least the other ones could be considered made up or creative...but these are just...I don't even know...
ReplyDeleteGirl, you crack me up! Love your blog.
ReplyDeleteEric- Kal-El... let's hope that future children might be a little more ignorant of Superman lore. lol
ReplyDeleteMatt- I guess that means Madonna is on a fast track too, eh? ;)
Kenny... um, I mean Mr. MacPaintedSox- Do you have a sister named Noonie?
Kristen- at least the worst parts of the names are hidden in the middle name! lol
MPC- thank you for reading!!!
I do, but it is actually pronounced as Neunnee.
ReplyDeleteOkay Allie,
ReplyDeleteYou actually hit on a topic near and dear to my heart. I feel a person's name is the first is like a calling card. People judge you on it. If it can be mocked it or formed into some cruel nickname, it is just plain wrong!
1. My first name is Jonathan. I introduce myself and 90% of the time people call me Jon. I prefer my full name, it kind of makes it a little different. The real pisser is my birth name was Brooks. My parents changed it when I was 3 months old because my great grandfather had passed away.
2. As a chubby boy growing up I cried for days when someone discovered if you put an "f" in front of my last name and slightly alter my first name I become: Jonathick Fatwater. It's no wonder I've been in and out of therapy since six.
All that being said I want all of my kid's names to be verbs. You know like: Running Atwater or Swimming Atwater, it's so Native American! One last thing, I have a friend named John Johnson. Nice, huh?
Allie, I don't know how your post (good one, by the way)and my response are in any way related... but here it is.
ReplyDeleteMy wife went to high school with a guy named Chong Lee. He apparently had always wanted to 'blend', and so a few years later there was a classified in the local paper to the effect that:
"I, Chong Lee, hereby change my name to Nick Chow."
I mean, you gotta love it.
How about people who stick their kids with names like Chaka?
ReplyDeleteKadeem? Hussain? DeRon? Lokeema?
Saleria?
I don't care where they come from or what they mean, they are NOT pretty names & they're NOT easy to spell or say. I've even seen WORSE than that! I always feel sorry for the kids becuz as they grow, they seem to get called things like "Re-Rop" or "Beanie" or "T-Guy" or "Little Man" or something totally different than their REAL names.
What's up with THAT?!?